Commitment to the Commitment-phobe: The Tangible Lost Love Story.

I signed up to a dating site not too long ago. I signed up but I have this feeling that I’m doing it wrong. You ever have that feeling; it’s something simple not at all too complex, like, opening a door. It’s simple, but for some reason a voice in your head starts saying “you’re doing it wrong. It opens the other way and it’s also the exit.” Even though it’s a sliding automatic door and it doesn’t matter what’s the exit and entrance (…Wal-Mart!). That’s the interior monologue that’s taking over my thinking while I’m signed up with this dating service. It’s not right. Not because I have an ethical code that says I must meet people in person, not through some website. I don’t. In fact I realize it’s just a sign of the times. Just as social media, smart phones, and wi-fi have changed the course of our evolution in human interaction, internet dating is just another one of those avenues that help people express and connect in a way that they might not be able to normally. “Normally” as in Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, Wordpress, Tumblr, Flickr, YouTube, Google+, Myspace. (…BAHAHA! Myspace? Seriously?) But still, as I have an account and I answer my personality questions and fill out my ‘About Me’ information, I still have this feeling that I’m doing it all wrong.

It was important to me that when I filled in the information that I be totally honest about how I answered questions. I went with my gut feeling, and usually, the first answer I highlighted. If I ever hesitated I always asked “Really? Who are you lying to here, mystery nobodies you don’t know or yourself?” A lot of scrutiny I put myself in, but I answered honestly. The last thing I want to do is meet somebody but have it totally based off this false information that I wrote down just to get them to think I’m interesting enough to talk to. If I’m not actually interested in someone, a voice in my head is always yelling “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut your face!” (Not trying to sound like a prick, but it’s really not intriguing to me, I lied!) I really went into it thinking that if this was a tool to find someone that I really wanted to connect with, then the façade needed to really be me.

Am I putting to my thought and pressure onto it? I didn’t think so.

I also have this knack of being shallow and picky. I look at some profiles that people put together and I read that book by its cover. But I think of it this way: Every site that you’re a part of (see the Social Media sites I reference earlier), when you start an account you’re essentially handed this blank canvas. Every Social Media site out there has the basic understanding of “Here is a platform for you to broadcast to the world. Through this you have no limitations. You can put anything in the world on there, it is something that represents you and it’s broadcasted to the world, for millions and millions to see. Now, if you’re not going to take the time to put a little effort into making that blank canvas into something interesting, possibly stand out, make it pop, add some zazz, and some other pictures that show your better side, not just you staring blankly into a computer screen as you take a picture. If you seriously think to yourself that mediocre is the best you’ve got, then I’m going to assume that you’re as interesting as a cork.

Shallow? You better believe it buddy!

But I have my reasons for it. I have Persona A.D.D.. If I’m even going to consider being around someone for a long time, they have to influence me in many different ways that make me strive to be a better person in general, and push me like I haven’t been pushed before. Maybe I have high expectations because of how I was ‘brought up’ (radio/club). It’s more than likely why, but as a good friend of my puts it: “I’m not conceded, just confidently convinced.”

If you’re interested (and let’s be honest; “still reading”) in my “What I’m looking for” info, I put down “No Commitment.” Again, honestly being the forethought of the questionnaire, I am honestly not looking for something long term right now. That’s why I started to feel that I was doing it all wrong. I’m on a dating site but I’m not looking for something long term? It seemed a bit hypocritical. But then I looked at it another way: I’m not looking for long term, but short term isn’t out of the question. It’s not like I’m not going to look for fun in the form of just meeting people. That would be hypocritical to deny.

All that commitment pressure came from looking at my life and the friends and characters that all make guest appearances. All my peer friends are either one of the following; in a long term committed relationship, married, have children. I am not ready for any of those at this time of my life. I can barely commit to the same pair of shorts all day. I’m not saying that I think they made a mistake by doing that at such a young age, I’m just stating that it’s not for me, right now. I have too much to do before I settle down. In fact, I don’t even have time to settle. If you asked me, I think I’m in a great place in my life: I’m getting ready to make a big change in many different aspects of my life, and the best way to do that is solo. I have no one else to fail but myself, (not aiming for failure, but if it did happen, it would happen to just me). I have big risks ahead of me, too. And again, doing that solo is the best way to go.